chat snippets and quotes – part 2

j: monty is as much a spaz as you and i.
b: yep.he’s pretty much either of us in animal form. he’s like our spirit guide. our spastic, chicken-shit spirit guide

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l: my belly made a weird noise last night and *** teased me for farting but it really wasn’t! he wouldn’t believe me.

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b: i thought today was friday but i knew it couldn’t be since yesterday was wednesday.
j: if you knew yesterday was wednesday, why didn’t it occur to you that it’s thursday.
b: uh…

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j: where is my list of yummy restaurants
a: I don’t remember them, dude. go anywhere! I ate at this awesome italian place about five times
j: yeah? was it called “this awesome italian place” because if i can’t find it i’m gonna mail you some dead insects
a: it was not called that, no. also: boh

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j: but i did mail you something good before i left vancouver!
a: I cannot wait or as they say in france: “I cannot ze wait”

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j: so this is my first impression of the east coast…as i smelled it. new jersey is an amalgamation of different smells, but ny is just foul. i got out of jfk airport and it reeks. the air just smelled of…stuff. air in vancouver is pristine compared to ny
b: good to know. we’ll stay on the Pacific rim, then?
j: perhaps. maybe perhaps.
b: c’mon…mountians, trees and more than enough fluffy critters to wipe our asses with until the end of time
j: hahaha alright. pacific coast is best anyway. nothing good has come out of the atlantic. i bet pigs originally swam out of the pacific ocean. and that’s why pork is so delicious. such delicious, delicious murder.
b: well, pigs are common on all Pacific Islands!
j: so my theory might have some truth in it!
b: I think so!

Monty’s First Vet Visit

On Monday July 14th at about 6:30PM, Monty had a physical checkup (with Dr. Janet Adam at the Granville Island Veterinary Hospital) for the first time since his adoption from the shelter.

When I got home, I’m sure Monty knew his doom was at hand. He hid deep inside my box spring and would not budge. Bryce had to poke him from underneath so he’d crawl to the other side where I was waiting to grab him. He whined and moaned after getting stuffed inside his carrier then the most traumatic experience of all…getting walked six blocks to the vet inside his carrier. I’m not sure why neither Bryce and I thought it might be a better idea to simply grab a cab to the vet, but poor Monty was inside his carrier belly on the floor, head underneath his blanket to hide from the traffic noise.

The technicians gushed over how handsome Monty was (though I’m sure they say this to all animals) while we were getting his information filled out. By the time he got inside the exam room, he was too afraid to leave the carrier. We had to tip the carrier so he’d come out. He slid and fell onto the table butt-first. The technician quickly hugged him and said “Cats are supposed to land on their feet, Monty!” She weight Monty and exclaimed “Six pounds!” Bryce and I looked at each other in disbelief. “Oh wait, it’s in kilograms. He’s 13.1 lbs!”

Janet came in and inspected Monty who gave him a clean bill of health! No weird lumps or physical features and his eyes and ears in perfect condition. He weighs a lot but he’s healthy…so long as he doesn’t gain more weight. Also, he has a bit of tartar. But all that could be remedied by supplementing his food with Hill’s Prescription Diet Feline t/d to act as tartar remover and feeding him Medi-Cal Reducing Formula wet food some days of the week to maintain his weight. In addition, we have been feeding him 2/3 cup of Royal Canin everyday but we had been advised to cut it down to 1/2 cup per day.

We had him tested for feline leukemia and he tested negative. We also had him microchipped since his ear tattoo is not legible. He was so whiny and pouty by the end (and he had every right to be). Upon arriving back home, he simply crawled back under the bed and stayed there for 3 hours. He refused to make eye contact to anyone who tried to console him, but when he got hungry he came out to eat and all was well (as if nothing traumatic has occured that evening).

Oh! July 14th is Bryce and my six month anniversary. We spend our anniversaries making small animals suffer, I guess.

Chat Snippets and Quotes – Part 1

Every once in a while, I’ll be posting chat snippets and quotes that are memorable (to me), funny (to me) and perhaps offensive (to everyone else) from conversations that I had.  Presenting, the first installment in what I hope can be a recurring series on this blog.

If you have any you’d like to share, please email it to me in private so I can disguise the participants with completely misleading letters that in no way hint to their actual identity.  Enjoy!

b: you’ve got bbq sauce dripping and all over your face.
j: nom nom nom.
b: i love you.

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l: we’re part hot young couple, part geriatric

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b: don’t worry. my dad is gonna love you
j: you don’t know that! i could like…burp and fart and scratch my bum infront of him! then he’ll be like: “oh…go get your money back, this filipina bride is defective.”

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l: beware the granny lust
j: the what now?

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j: aaaw you’re in luuuurve
l: you think?
j: i don’t know…you tell me. being in love is like…having an orgasm or a yeast infection. you’ll just know, there’s no maybe.

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b: I don’t like her– she upsets you and therefore she should go catch cancer

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j: also, did you know that ***’s water broke last night? no word yet on how she is doing…
a: omg omg omg. I was wondering what was happening. I hope she’s okay I hope she brought my eyepatches.
j: eyepatches?!
a: yeah, I sent her a birthing care package. with a soothing votive candle. and four eyepatches for her and *** to share
j: what for?!
a: in case they didn’t want to watch. they’re pirates of the caribbean eyepatches too. so they’re stylish. and I sent her this electronic racing game so she can practice her driving. and some chocolate and some zinc for *** because I always push zinc on him.
j: why zinc?!
a: why not

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b: dear sweet merciful buddha, if only I could force choke people…

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j: damn it’s so cold and windy. why am i so cold?
b: your jacket is unbuttoned.
j: oh…i think i’ll leave it open.

Jenn is getting a cat today!

I’ve been thinking about getting my own cat since April. My mom first emailed me Monty’s profile mid/late April because she thought he’d be perfect for me and my shoe-box apartment. At the time, I wasn’t sure if I would be willing to commit more than a decade to a cat, especially since I’m still renting and since finding a pet-friendly apartment anywhere in Vancouver is so difficult. (I should add here that my lease states I’m not allowed a pet, I’ve slowly convinced my landlord through pleas, cat photos, stories, and begging into let me have one.) I also planned to travel in the next couple of years so I thought it’d be unfair for the cat to simply pass him around cat-sitters.

Last month, I was cat sitting a co-worker’s cat named Bob. He is one of the sweetest, funniest cat I’ve ever met. He loved everyone! He loved getting petted, cuddling and getting brushed. Bob was such a character! I realized that I want my own and that realistically, I had enough time and money to care for a cat.

On Saturday Bryce, Bernadette (my little sister) and I visited the Burnaby SPCA. I was finally going to meet Monty! I’ve been secretly checking on his profile at least once a week to see if he’s still at the shelter and nobody has claimed him since April! It was a complete gong show going there but it was all worth it.

Upon arriving, I simply looked at him and he looked back. God he’s lazy! Which was perfect for me and my apartment…there isn’t much room to run around for a cat. I decided to play with every other cat before falling in love with Monty.

There was Vanessa, Charmin, Bert, Ernie, Smokie, Mikey, Buddy, Princess, Whisper, Pepper, Pookah, and other cats. Some don’t have their profile up on the website just yet. They were all really, really sweet! Ernie was friendlier than Bert. Smokie was the cat in the cage above Monty, he was such a big suck that purred when you pet him and any other cat around him. Smokie would stick his paw out to be petted to get your attention. Mikey was a really shy one. Buddy was lazy. Princess was super friendly and very vocal. Her “meow” sounded more like a low, raspy hiss (but non-threatening). Whisper was curious but cautious. Pepper was eating like there was no tomorrow. Pookah was a big, big fluffy cat (she was asleep the entire time). Vanessa wanted everyone’s attention and loved being petted and the same goes for Charmin.

To anyone looking to adopt a pet, please visit the SPCA first. The animals in there are so loving and deserve a good home. Also, please consider an adult cat, one who has a personality that will be compatible with yours. Kittens are cute and everything, but you don’t know what kind of personality they’ll have and truth be told, many people that get a kitten on impulse have no idea how to raise and train one.

After petting all the other friendly cats, I went back to Monty. He was still just lying there. He was so content since Bryce had been petting and scratching him the past 5 minutes. He brought him out of his cage and he proved to be a very big fluffy cat. He was as big as Bryce’s torso (and I’m sure it wasn’t just all the fur)! He loved being petted and would headbutt you lovingly if you pet him enough! I’m certain I’ll be suffocated in my sleep one night, I’ve accepted this fact and am prepared when the night comes. If you don’t see me online on morning, Monty got me!

I walked up to the front and said, “I want Monty!”. I filled out an application and was told that I’d be notified by Sunday if/when I can pick him up. Sunday rolls around and I haven’t received a call by 2PM. I started calling every hour to check on my application. Finally at 4:30, I was told that I’m a good candidate for Monty and that they are simply awaiting a call-back from my landlord to verify that I’m allowed a pet but I could schedule to pick him up for Monday. I gave my landlord’s emergency only cellphone number. I believe Monty’s welfare counts as an emergency!

So in conclusion…(now remember to read this in a sing-song tone)…I’m getting a cat today! Doo dah! Doo dah!

Photos and updates to come. I will spare no details!

5 Things You Should Know About Jenn

She started it…

1. Jenn is short.
I mean, like tiny. Seriously.
I’m not complaining, in fact I think it’s awesome. The first time I lifted her up, her exact words were, “So this is what it’s like up here!” 

2. She is the ultimate nerd.
I don’t know what it is, but nowadays every girl is claiming some sort of geek cred. Jenn’s the real deal, though. How many girls can you  think of that a) rock guitar hero (in heels, no less); b) love them some pocky – Green tea, please; and c) (This one is important) KNOW WHO TROGDOR IS

3. She knows the deadly ways of the Koala.
Pop quiz. Name the similarities between Jenn and a Koala bear. Stumped?
Well, they’re both tiny and cute, and if you let your guard down, BAM! You’ll have either wrapped around you in a giant, hug-like embrace.
The difference? Jenn’s hugging you, while the Koala is injecting you with it’s spawn, to burst out of your chest at a later date. True story. 

4. Get between Jenn and BBQ’d meat, and you’ll lose a limb.
‘Nuff said.

5. She might just be able to drink you under the table.
I’ve yet to test out this theory, but she’s claiming this.
Science dictates that I experiment.

Five Things You Should Know About Bryce

1. Believe Asians like him only because he can reach for things on their behalf.

I’m short (5′1″) and Bryce isn’t (6′1″). He helps me reach a lot of things I can’t…apparently so does a lot of other short people, who happen to be mostly Asians.

Excerpt from the lives of Jenn and Bryce.
Bryce: i think asian people only like me because i can reach for things they can’t
Jenn: you mean you’re good for OTHER things too?!

2. Likes (and will spend as much money on) shoes as I do.

He hates square toed, cheap shoes as much as I do.

Square toed shoes are not flaterring on anyone or any outfit. Stop wearing them! I’m glaring at you Asian guys that think square toed rubber soled shoes qualify as “dress shoes”.

Bryce polish his shoes. I thought only men over 50 yrs old to do such a thing nowadays.

3. Need to make a Star Wars reference at least every other day, or he’ll explode.

The first phrase his child will learn: “Han Solo shot first.”
You will catch him at random moments trying to “force choke” stupid people.

Excerpt from the lives of Jenn and Bryce:
Bryce: dear sweet merciful buddha, if only I could force choke people…

4. Cannot “raise the roof”, instead he “pushes the wall”.

You know that dance move? Yeah…

5. Is a self proclaimed jack-ass…

..which works out because I’m a self proclaimed bitch. We walk around and make fun of stupid people who make stupid decisions with their face, hair, outfit, relationships, life, etc. Bryce’s favourite are hipsters, mine are girls who cannot dress for their body type. How about you?