dear gawker, i love you.

It’s my second last day at work and frankly, I don’t intent to start on any new projects despite several people asking me to do a “really short report” for them. I do intend to spend it bitching about how I was asked to do reception relief during the last hour of my time employed at this company, write out my exit interview points, maybe do my timesheets, but most important of all: browse the blogs.

I started my day with Gawker, and this passage embodies everything I love about the blog (from The Hills: Everything Everywhere Ends) :

Um. Oh, yeah. Spencerina. She was dating this guy named Cameron who I think works in the professional idiot business. I think he’s a top executive, actually. Corner office. Idiot secretary, idiot copy machine. Just wall to wall idiots. So that’s nice for him. It’s nice to work with like-minded people. But Spencerina was having problems. You see she can’t quite figure out the alchemy that is Getting Airtime. Should she be dating? Not dating? Friendly with Spencer? Not friendly? Lauren’s homegirl? A whispery snitch? You want the cold hard truth, Spencerina? Frankly, be prettier. There’s no real science here, my love. It’s just that simple (and that hard). Also maybe learn how to express a coherent mind grape. Just in general. For general life’s sake.

Haha!  Dumb, ugly, fat girls suck!

jenn’s shit list: the bus edition

older asian lady pretending to sleep
(also applies to: misc. people pretending/trying to sleep during commute)
the bus is not a place to catch up on sleep. stop pretending you’re asleep when you’re fully aware there are other people that need the seat more than you including pregnant women, elderly, disabled, etc. i see you look up and around every 3 to 4 stops. also, stop dying your hair blonde and/or red. your roots are showing, they’re not natural hair colour for asian women, and it does not complement your complexion. while you’re at it, stop getting a perm. it’s ugly.

ubc student with the backpack
(also applies to: anyone with a large bag that hits other people when they move about)
i understand you sometimes have to bring a large amount of stuff with you, and with that comes a big bag. however, every time you turn and move you’re hitting someone with your bag and its contents. be courteous and place your bag on the floor and stand over it. also, don’t pretend you’re oblivious to your surroundings just because you have your ipod headphones on. you’re a douche.

confused/lost person getting off the bus
if you’re one of the first few people getting off the bus, don’t take a step off the bus and just stop. keep those legs moving! there are people behind you. walk the fuck away from the bus and foot traffic, only then should you stop and evaluate your location and decide the next course of action. similarly, don’t stop after 2 steps (in the way of everyone else that is getting off) to greet a friend and give props involving miscellaneous gang-style hand gestures, fist bumps and grunts. you’re white, your clothes are too big and you’re trying too hard. i bet you have a small penis.

fat people
(also applies to: self righteous men)
i get it, you’re fat. you’re sad and the world has been so mean to you because of your “condition”, nobody understands that it’s a glandular problem. boo fucking hoo. it’s called public transit. each person is allocated a certain amount of space, as dictated by the seat division. you’re allowed that much space. your skin folds and overhang is touching the passenger next to you, it’s gross. you’re gross. this also applies to men. stop thinking you deserve extra space just because you have something between your legs that somehow gives you the right to sit with your legs wide open. shut your legs, it smells like boiled eggs and corn chips.

cellphone bitch
just a heads up, don’t date this chick. only people with so much need for validation that someone cares about them feel the need to constantly be in contact with someone, anyone. also, stfu. public transit is public space. we don’t need to know about how mean karen was to lauren because she like, totally flirted to aaron knowing full well lauren like, totally almost practically hooked up with him because she popped e and had a beer that guy with the eyebrow piercing offered her…but it wasn’t like, she was doing it only because she was fucked up…she totally threw up so she couldn’t have possibly been high or drunk at that time. she totally is in love with aaron, he is sooo cute! i know, right? he can almost grow a beard!

pole hugger
you know those people who hold tightly against the poles on the bus? the ones that won’t move to the back of the bus despite an influx of new passengers? the ones that stay in the exit door area even though their stop is an hour later? maybe they just like the feel of the hard pole against their palm that has warmed up to their touch. maybe they like sneaking in a rub or a stroke as the bus driver heavily steps on the breaks (which they all seem to do) and everyone is distracted. they’ve invested at least 10 minutes of their time warming it up and they refuse to let anyone else share the sensation. fuck you! move to the back of the bus instead of blocking the walk ways. move away from the exit doors instead of blocking people getting off (because we both know you won’t be tonight). you’re a sad anal-retentive douchenozzle.

loud “drunk” teenagers/clubbers
wheee! you had a bottle of cooler or beer and you just ate fries at mcdonald’s! whoo! you’re dressed in a manner that would make your mom regret you slipped out of her uterus. omg you’re t3h uber turvo durnk! you’re gonna whore it up tonight at the club and rub your genitals to random mens’ thighs! you have your digital camera ready so you can upload the photos on facebook the next day. too bad you don’t have enough money to shell out for a cab so you’re taking the bus. now i understand you’re young and stupid, so i can let this slip (at least you’re not driving). but being drunk or buzzed doesn’t excuse you from being a fucktard. it doesn’t excuse you for looking like a tramp or for talking at 140 decibels about how drunk you are. only people who aren’t drunk yell out that they’re drunk. i hope your mom beats you with her slippers (or a feather duster, a la asian mom), or get herpes — the kind that doesn’t go away.

the human filth
it’s public transit. it’s a place where you’re in close proximity to other people, and in most cases, not by choice. take a shower! a long hot one. not much else needs to be said since it’s common sense. you stink, therefore you should die. quoting bryce: “someone should throw a bucket full of cat aids to your face”.

old stinky people
i’m not sure why, but old people have a smell. i think it’s death. old people smell like death. they can’t help this and it’s probably better they don’t try cover it up with perfume. we all know our senses dull as we age so we end up eating spicier food, enlarging the font on our computer screens, wearing a hearing aid or pumping out three more sprays of that cologne. all i ask for is that you stay in your allocated area, there is no need to pretend you’re a normie when the privilege of staying at the front of the bus is yours to seize. i don’t want to smell you…or death.

ugly people
your face makes baby jesus cry. b’oh….

chat snippets and quotes – part 2

j: monty is as much a spaz as you and i.
b: yep.he’s pretty much either of us in animal form. he’s like our spirit guide. our spastic, chicken-shit spirit guide

+

l: my belly made a weird noise last night and *** teased me for farting but it really wasn’t! he wouldn’t believe me.

+

b: i thought today was friday but i knew it couldn’t be since yesterday was wednesday.
j: if you knew yesterday was wednesday, why didn’t it occur to you that it’s thursday.
b: uh…

+

j: where is my list of yummy restaurants
a: I don’t remember them, dude. go anywhere! I ate at this awesome italian place about five times
j: yeah? was it called “this awesome italian place” because if i can’t find it i’m gonna mail you some dead insects
a: it was not called that, no. also: boh

+

j: but i did mail you something good before i left vancouver!
a: I cannot wait or as they say in france: “I cannot ze wait”

+

j: so this is my first impression of the east coast…as i smelled it. new jersey is an amalgamation of different smells, but ny is just foul. i got out of jfk airport and it reeks. the air just smelled of…stuff. air in vancouver is pristine compared to ny
b: good to know. we’ll stay on the Pacific rim, then?
j: perhaps. maybe perhaps.
b: c’mon…mountians, trees and more than enough fluffy critters to wipe our asses with until the end of time
j: hahaha alright. pacific coast is best anyway. nothing good has come out of the atlantic. i bet pigs originally swam out of the pacific ocean. and that’s why pork is so delicious. such delicious, delicious murder.
b: well, pigs are common on all Pacific Islands!
j: so my theory might have some truth in it!
b: I think so!

Dear Commentards…

This. This is why I love the Onion.

Maybe if more people commenting on the CBC news site would read that, we’d be better off.

(I know I shouldn’t read the comments, but gawd, what a bunch of unbridled retards!)

Life-changing Friction!

Gawker has the story here.

See I’m prone to agree. A phrase is a phrase is a phrase. Add to that a bunch of Christian douche-nozzles, and I’m already throwing my favorite fingers in the air.

Any and all C&D letters will be noted and posted.

Tuesday Morning Awesomeness.

Wow, I just came across the greatest news piece in CBC’s website.

Apparently, a group of white supremacists in Calgary are offering to subsidise rent for any new recruits. The story can be found here.

What a show of solidarity, what a bunch of great folks, trying to help each other out! Still, I don’t think they’ve gone far enough.

I think the City of Calgary should get in on this. Here’s what I’m suggesting:

Find a building where all of these people can live together. It shouldn’t be too hard, as it seems like they only have 20 members, or so. Give them the building. For free.

Once they’ve all settled in, burn the fucker to the ground and build a new shelter or centre for new immigrants over their ashes. Just to piss on their graves a little bit.

Seriously, people like that really need to catch a painful and terminal form of cancer.

Best. Cake. EVAR.

I already love ‘Ace of Cakes’ – the show on Food Network about Charm City Cakes. Frankly, Duff seems like the kinda guy I could get along with.

I might just have to marry the guy now:

 

Image via Gizmodo.

 

 

That, my friends, is a cake. A cake of the Millennium Fucking Falcon.

Gizmodo has the details here.

This is the greatest day of my life.

Well, until I can convince Jenn to get me this cake.

Monty’s First Vet Visit

On Monday July 14th at about 6:30PM, Monty had a physical checkup (with Dr. Janet Adam at the Granville Island Veterinary Hospital) for the first time since his adoption from the shelter.

When I got home, I’m sure Monty knew his doom was at hand. He hid deep inside my box spring and would not budge. Bryce had to poke him from underneath so he’d crawl to the other side where I was waiting to grab him. He whined and moaned after getting stuffed inside his carrier then the most traumatic experience of all…getting walked six blocks to the vet inside his carrier. I’m not sure why neither Bryce and I thought it might be a better idea to simply grab a cab to the vet, but poor Monty was inside his carrier belly on the floor, head underneath his blanket to hide from the traffic noise.

The technicians gushed over how handsome Monty was (though I’m sure they say this to all animals) while we were getting his information filled out. By the time he got inside the exam room, he was too afraid to leave the carrier. We had to tip the carrier so he’d come out. He slid and fell onto the table butt-first. The technician quickly hugged him and said “Cats are supposed to land on their feet, Monty!” She weight Monty and exclaimed “Six pounds!” Bryce and I looked at each other in disbelief. “Oh wait, it’s in kilograms. He’s 13.1 lbs!”

Janet came in and inspected Monty who gave him a clean bill of health! No weird lumps or physical features and his eyes and ears in perfect condition. He weighs a lot but he’s healthy…so long as he doesn’t gain more weight. Also, he has a bit of tartar. But all that could be remedied by supplementing his food with Hill’s Prescription Diet Feline t/d to act as tartar remover and feeding him Medi-Cal Reducing Formula wet food some days of the week to maintain his weight. In addition, we have been feeding him 2/3 cup of Royal Canin everyday but we had been advised to cut it down to 1/2 cup per day.

We had him tested for feline leukemia and he tested negative. We also had him microchipped since his ear tattoo is not legible. He was so whiny and pouty by the end (and he had every right to be). Upon arriving back home, he simply crawled back under the bed and stayed there for 3 hours. He refused to make eye contact to anyone who tried to console him, but when he got hungry he came out to eat and all was well (as if nothing traumatic has occured that evening).

Oh! July 14th is Bryce and my six month anniversary. We spend our anniversaries making small animals suffer, I guess.

I’m a Genius.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve had the greatest idea since the conception of the human race.

Bacon coffee.

If you’re anything like me (smart, witty, ridiculously good looking) you love your coffee. Also, you would likely trade in your soul for an extra helping of the pork. This will answer all of our prayers.

Oh sure, people will scoff. I have no doubt that a powerful consortium of coffee and bacon producers are, at this moment, teaming up to silence me. Well, you can’t keep me down. This idea will come to fruition.

Stay tuned people, a renaissance is close at hand…

Three Things I Learned

This past weekend (July 12-13, 2008) I learned that:

1. It is not a good idea to wear a white summer dress to an Indian buffet for lunch.
2. That you can get the book “The Art of Star Wars, Episode V – Empire Strikes Back” and pencil crayons (so I can finally start colouring my Star Wars colouring book) for $5 at a yard sale. Also (this is important!) the short Asian girl must be the one that shamelessly haggle down the price.
3. If your cat is missing, and there is no way he could have ran outside, check to see if he has turned the bottom cover of your box spring into a hammock.

There has been some interest to see a size comparison of my big cat and myself. I’ve compiled photos for you to see. (Click for a full size view)

Del-Montyzuma’s Quirk #1

Monty is a very clean cat. He grooms himself constantly (despite his beard getting in the way most of the time), he never has “dingle berries” (which I’ve been told is common for long haired cats), and he sweeps after himself. During and after he eats, he uses his fuzzy front paws to sweep all food bits and dust under his food dish. When I sweep up at night, I simply have to lift it and sweep up the collected dirt. It’s awesome! See below!